Saturday, April 19, 2014

Way back when life was 'normal'

Sometimes I'll put on some music or be doing something that reminds me of life before the loss of Nate. The innocent blissful world I lived in. Not that I wasn't aware of pain or loss or challenges, they just hadn't hit so close to home or been this big. The pain wasn't this raw. Sometimes it's so overwhelming. It's crazy to be able to feel so full and satisfied and fulfilled, yet so much pain with that hole in your heart that my sweet baby Nate left. I know it will not be filled until we meet again together worshiping at the feet of Jesus. So until then we learn to cope in the healthiest ways possible. Celebrate, cry, meet new people that didn't know Nate and have no idea what my past holds. Sharing our story. Watching our children reach new milestones. Like Evan crawling like a mad man and just the other day I taught Ella to read a book.

We are also in this holding place of uncertainty of what our near future will hold. With Phil changing jobs and starting school. We are in a place of making decisions as to what will be best for our family. This reminds me of a song by Sara Groves, Painting Pictures of Egypt:

I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay, it feels like pinching to me either way.
The places I long for the most are the places where I've been. They are calling after me like a long lost friend. It's not about losing faith, it's not about trust, it's all about comfortable when you move so much. 

The place wasn't perfect but I had found a way to live. It wasn't milk or honey, but neither is this.
I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things i've learned, and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart, familiar things are never easy to discard. I was longing for some freedom, but now I hesitate  to go, I am caught between the promise and the things i know

If if comes to quick, i may not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand. If it comes to quick, I may not appreciate it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand.

This song has been on my heart recently, funny thing, it was my theme song when we moved to St George 5 years ago. I'm sure the Israelites felt like they were stuck between two worlds also. They knew that God had great plans for them, but leaving what they knew wasn't easy. Well, maybe at first is was exciting, a new freedom... but when the seas were closed back up and the dust had settled, weeks later and they were hot and tired, Egypt may have been looking pretty good.
Learning to trust God, and really 'live' in each moment. What does that look like? How can I honor God in the 'waiting room' if you will?

So what am I trying to say? The triggers that remind me of my old normal catch me off guard sometimes. This new normal is okay, as long as I'm resting in the peace that only God can give me and I'm trying my best to not "paint pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks..."


  1. Melissa! I love you! that's all I can think to say..praying for that peace