Saturday, March 30, 2013

Sub Conscience.

While things all around me may be exciting and enjoyable, while I sometimes may feel overbooked, generally I can push on, grab hold of my ultimate strength, Jesus. Today was hard, while out jeeping my heart just hurt. I missed my boy, my sweet baby, I thought of his birth, and the horror of finding him. The tears came. I pushed them away as best I could and pressed on. Then at our Good Friday service I once again had my heart and thoughts turn to him. I miss him so much, I hurt so bad, and nothing really can change that. Tears came once again, I did my best to not show it. I thought of all kinds of non emotional, non mother like things... like how I could re-decorate rooms in our house. It only worked temporarily. Then as I was messing around on my phone I realized today is March 29th, sweet Nate would be 13 months today, 13 months ago I gave birth to the most perfect healthy beautiful baby boy. Little did I know my heart would be ripped out and torn apart. Although I am so thankful that I know the ultimate Healer and Comforter, I'm amazed at how our sub conscience works, it knows without being 'told' that today was a special day.
Also as I sat, and tried not to look around, I still saw others around me with their own painful stories, per say. While I may feel like mine is the biggest, hardest, worst etc. so many other people have their own heartache. This also reminded me that this world is flawed, while some choices have cause and effect, some are completely out of our control. There are no guaranties. I can feel myself start to slip into worry, my eyes have been opened to a whole new world of worry. The reality is, i need to take every thought captive (this is hard) and I turn to my Savior, who gave up his only son, suffered and died, so that we, I, could live,  and live in peace. Maybe not earthly peace, but peace that is deep inside. That I have a hope and a future. So, while I can have super hard, sucky days, miss my son so much I can barely breath, kiss my sweet girl, feel my tiny wiggling unborn child and be held by my amazing husband, I also can hope and trust with full confidence that Jesus is King. He loves me so much that He died for me and all my sins. So thankful for forgiveness.
One more thing. I also received a text from a friend that she was praying for me today. Wow. God sure knows when I need it. Thank you friends for all your prayers.

(*ok,blogger people, i copied and pasted this from my email. how do I get rid of the 'highlight'? It's kinda annoying.)

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful post, Melissa. Thanks for being so open and real. Thankful for peace, and continuing to grieve for you and with you. It's truly amazing that without realizing it, your inner self was remembering the 29th. Praying Easter Sunday is meaningful and encouraging because of our victory in Him, even while stuck here on earth. Love you lots.