Thoughts on being a wife a mother and a friend

Every so often a picture/quote along the lines of this shows up on my news feed...  I'd be lying if I said it didn't sometimes cut at my heart. I'd also be lying if I said I wouldn't change anything or do anything different the 8 short months we had sweet Nate in our lives. If I knew I'd only have him for such a short time, sure I would've held and kissed and cuddled him even more. Many of you know that we practice a parent lead schedule in our family. Sleep train from a fairly early age and don't co-sleep. I bring this up because sometimes there is crying involved. Not neglectful, emotionless (on the parent's part) hours of crying. More like intentional minutes here and there. Needless to say the quote stated above does bring Nate's sweet face to mind and a pain of guilt. But when I really sit down and think about why we choose to parent the way we do, and if there are things we should change ( there are always things that we adjust ...

*This is a little late, seeing that baby was born in August and I'm posting in December... but I wanted to go in chronological order with my thoughts... Ella had me convinced. Since the moment that we told Ella that she was going to be a big sister again she was confidant that it would be a girl. Sara. end of story. We like to wait until baby arrives to find out the gender. The first two times it was so much fun. We told Ella that we didn't know. It COULD be a brother, but we also didn't push the subject one way or another. She talked about 'Sara' so much that near the end I would catch myself referring to baby as, her, or even 'Sara'. People would ask what I thought, or which gender I would prefer. I had a girl, have had a boy.... I had feelings about either, but mostly said, 'I'm so glad I don't get to pick.' You see, having a girl seemed a lot easier. Ella really wanted a sister. They would have so much fun together. I felt like it w...

So,  most of you may be surprised to hear that I'm really not that good at planning parties, starting traditions and doing all those fun extras for all the little holidays. Don't get me wrong. I love having friends over, I love decorating. But I'm not very motivated to to either for a 'special' occasion. I can rise to the occasion, but I prefer not to. It may be because I'm a procrastinator. I generally know about birthday parties, holidays, and weddings in advance... but most often I'll be getting the present the day of, on the way... or arrive and think, 'SHOOT!! I forgot a card!!' But.... this Father's Day was different. For some odd reason I planned ahead. Bought and made presents, taught Ella how to write 'dad' for the card and planned a special meal. All that to say. We had a wonderful day and I thought I'd share some of it with you. It probably wont be like that next year. :) 'Mad Libs' card from Ella Fun lit...

Today's sermon was good. The title was 'Wisdom vs. Lies'. There were a few things that were said that hit close to home. Things that Phil and I have talked about as we've gone through this journey of having our faith and trust in God challenged more then any other time in our life. Why we do the things we do. Why we make choices not to do other things. Standards we have set in our life. It has been something that has been challenging to me my whole life. I've been excluded from plenty. At times it hurt, other times I didn't care. But back to the sermon..... Our pastor talked about the peace and happiness that only God can give and how it is manifested in people's lives. Jesus is that source, and it's different that what the world can offer. It reaches much deeper and fills much fuller. Now that doesn't mean life wont have troubles. That there wont be great pain. He shared a story I've known for quite some time. A story about Horatio Spafford, t...

While things all around me may be exciting and enjoyable, while I sometimes may feel overbooked, generally I can push on, grab hold of my ultimate strength, Jesus. Today was hard, while out jeeping my heart just hurt. I missed my boy, my sweet baby, I thought of his birth, and the horror of finding him. The tears came. I pushed them away as best I could and pressed on. Then at our Good Friday service I once again had my heart and thoughts turn to him. I miss him so much, I hurt so bad, and nothing really can change that. Tears came once again, I did my best to not show it. I thought of all kinds of non emotional, non mother like things... like how I could re-decorate rooms in our house. It only worked temporarily. Then as I was messing around on my phone I realized today is March 29th, sweet Nate would be 13 months today, 13 months ago I gave birth to the most perfect healthy beautiful baby boy. Little did I know my heart would be ripped out and torn apart. Although I am so th...

The Sunday after Nate died, while at church and singing this song, Beauty of the Cross, by Jonny Diaz.                                                             "Beauty Of The Cross" At the cross I find the beauty of Your matchless grace At the cross I see a King who died to take my place It's the moment that You made me clean and pardoned my soul Amazing grace that I would be allowed unto Your throne Not by my own will but solely by Your will alone I'm unworthy of this love you have shown to me I see my desperate need The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul Beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go Beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am Not by my own works that I may boast or I may come But simply through your Son the sinless and Exalted One Only...