Thoughts on being a wife a mother and a friend

Today's sermon was good. The title was 'Wisdom vs. Lies'. There were a few things that were said that hit close to home. Things that Phil and I have talked about as we've gone through this journey of having our faith and trust in God challenged more then any other time in our life. Why we do the things we do. Why we make choices not to do other things. Standards we have set in our life. It has been something that has been challenging to me my whole life. I've been excluded from plenty. At times it hurt, other times I didn't care. But back to the sermon..... Our pastor talked about the peace and happiness that only God can give and how it is manifested in people's lives. Jesus is that source, and it's different that what the world can offer. It reaches much deeper and fills much fuller. Now that doesn't mean life wont have troubles. That there wont be great pain. He shared a story I've known for quite some time. A story about Horatio Spafford, t...

While things all around me may be exciting and enjoyable, while I sometimes may feel overbooked, generally I can push on, grab hold of my ultimate strength, Jesus. Today was hard, while out jeeping my heart just hurt. I missed my boy, my sweet baby, I thought of his birth, and the horror of finding him. The tears came. I pushed them away as best I could and pressed on. Then at our Good Friday service I once again had my heart and thoughts turn to him. I miss him so much, I hurt so bad, and nothing really can change that. Tears came once again, I did my best to not show it. I thought of all kinds of non emotional, non mother like things... like how I could re-decorate rooms in our house. It only worked temporarily. Then as I was messing around on my phone I realized today is March 29th, sweet Nate would be 13 months today, 13 months ago I gave birth to the most perfect healthy beautiful baby boy. Little did I know my heart would be ripped out and torn apart. Although I am so th...

The Sunday after Nate died, while at church and singing this song, Beauty of the Cross, by Jonny Diaz.                                                             "Beauty Of The Cross" At the cross I find the beauty of Your matchless grace At the cross I see a King who died to take my place It's the moment that You made me clean and pardoned my soul Amazing grace that I would be allowed unto Your throne Not by my own will but solely by Your will alone I'm unworthy of this love you have shown to me I see my desperate need The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul Beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go Beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am Not by my own works that I may boast or I may come But simply through your Son the sinless and Exalted One Only...

We have something exciting to share with you. Nate was a big brother for about 1 week! I had a hunch over Thanksgiving.... and took a test to see, on our sweet Nathaniel's 9 month birthday, November 29th, and 4 weeks since he left us. It was POSITIVE!! We then went to get an ultrasound on the 20th of December. We saw our sweet new baby and heard a heartbeat. We are very excited, sad that Nathaniel wont be sharing this joy with us, and trying not to be scared at the realization of how quickly life can change so fresh in our mind.Nate will never be forgotten and holds such a special place in our hearts.  Please pray for us on this journey.

On Monday October 29th I was talking to my good friend Katie. I was sharing with her my struggles of being a mom of 2 kids. It's a lot of work. I wasn't liking how I was responding to my kids and how I really wanted to change that. She had to go, but said she would call back so we could chat some more. My kiddos were still napping, so I took that moment. I took out my Bible, a book I had just finished reading, Taking Care of the Me in Mommy , and some note cards and started writing down Bible verses that I thought would encourage me to be a better mom. I also found a blog and read this post about not feeling like a failure as a mom. I sat there and cried. What she wrote spoke to my heart. I looked around her blog a bit more, bookmarked it. Finished up my chat with Katie and went on with the rest of my day. Little did I know just 3 days later I'd put my sweet healthy 8 month old baby boy to bed for the last time and my whole life would be changed forever.... I hope I wil...

Today I was reading to Ella about Polar Bears and the book said that they can live to be 40. Now why would an animal want to live 40 years on this earth  ( not that they have a 'choice') ?? But sometimes the only thing that keeps me going here on earth is that I remember it's really only a blink of an eye. Also that we have purpose to love and serve God best we can. What does a polar bear do, does it look back on it's life and feel accomplished. no. poor guy.

Right now the kids are asleep. There is something about a sleeping baby/child that melts away all the  grievances  of the day. This has been a hard one. My sweetie has pushed me to my limit. Pretty much all that could go wrong did. I had a horrible attitude. That is something I  really need to work on. Maybe that is why God did a wonderful job making it very evident in my life today. I can say more than once today I was thankful that my kids are young enough to not remember this day and the ways I treated them and lost my temper. I am not proud at all of the mom I was today. I need help. I recently memorized a Bible verse from Ephesians.  ' I urge you to live a life worthy  of the calling  you have received.   Be completely humble and gentle ; be patient , bearing with one another  in love .   Make every effort to keep the unity  of the Spirit through the bond of peace.' Ephesians 4:1-3 Those words in bold... ya I was was...