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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

So many emotions overwhelm me as we pack up our house and say our last goodbyes here in St. George. I can't believe that just Phil and I and a giant U-haul (and a trailer and another smaller U-haul...) moved here 6 years ago. We celebrated our 3rd anniversary here and now we today we are celebrating our 9th. So much has changed. As many of you know, I had mixed emotions about moving here, yet as time passed, as we made friends, settled into our house, had children... this became home. I was surprised by my reaction when Phil resigned and I didn't have this urge to pack up and move back to Salt Lake. I was perfectly fine with finding work here. This was our home. But staying is not what we feel God would have for us. So here we are. I'm sitting surrounded by boxes and bare walls... (which is weird) contemplating our last 6 years. Many great memories have been had here. 3 children born, (2 right here in this home), many great parties with friends and family near and far,
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So, how many kids do you have?

     I HATE said question. I don't hate much. (my dad always said, 'hate is a strong word.') It's so awkward. Most of the time I base my answer on the audience, Am I with my kids? Will I ever see this person again? Do I want to share why I just said I have 3 kids, but only have two with me? Do I want to feel the pity looks right now or be known right of the bat as the 'mom who lost her baby to SIDS'? etc... Today I was sitting in nursery feeding Evan when a lady asked if he was my first. I said, 'No, I have a 4 year old too.' Then she said, 'oh that's nice spacing between your kids' and I wanted to cry. 'Um, no it sucks. I hate it. I should have a two year old running around with my 4 year old and both of them playing with attacking my 8 month old!' But I didn't. I just sat there. It was an innocent comment on her part. But it made me start to think and process what I want my children to hear me say, not what strangers think, f
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Way back when life was 'normal'

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Sometimes I'll put on some music or be doing something that reminds me of life before the loss of Nate. The innocent blissful world I lived in. Not that I wasn't aware of pain or loss or challenges, they just hadn't hit so close to home or been this big. The pain wasn't this raw. Sometimes it's so overwhelming. It's crazy to be able to feel so full and satisfied and fulfilled, yet so much pain with that hole in your heart that my sweet baby Nate left. I know it will not be filled until we meet again together worshiping at the feet of Jesus. So until then we learn to cope in the healthiest ways possible. Celebrate, cry, meet new people that didn't know Nate and have no idea what my past holds. Sharing our story. Watching our children reach new milestones. Like Evan crawling like a mad man and just the other day I taught Ella to read a book. We are also in this holding place of uncertainty of what our near future will hold. With Phil changing jobs and starti
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discretion.

I remember when I was maybe 12 and my friend and I were swimming at a public pool. At some point we noticed that another girl our age was wearing a white swimsuit that was a little 'see through'. We decided that she needed to be aware of the situation. Now there are so many things that go into this. While you would want to know of 'said problem', hearing it at a public pool, from two girls your age when you are already wet, surrounded by your friends (who haven't said anything) ... Let's just say she wasn't thrilled or thankful to hear what we had to tell her. Looking back on that event I see that while our intentions may have been good, our timing and delivery were not so good. There are often situations in life that I need to decide if, how, and when to address the said 'issue' with others. That's when discretion comes into play. Discretion: 1. the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing priv
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i don't know....

I should have a two year old. I don't. I wish I could be throwing a little party for him, sing Happy Birthday. One of the most frustrating things for me is I don't know how to handle it. I want to celebrate his life in some special way, but I don't know how. I didn't have enough time with him to know what he would like, I'm left to guess, imagine. Some moments I just want to be alone. Others moments I want to have a huge party. I have a lifetime more to figure this out. I don't want it. But that doesn't change it. I want what I can't have. Keep the prayers coming guys, cause I'm a mess. Happy 2nd birthday my sweet Nate. 8 months wasn't enough.
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crying

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Every so often a picture/quote along the lines of this shows up on my news feed...  I'd be lying if I said it didn't sometimes cut at my heart. I'd also be lying if I said I wouldn't change anything or do anything different the 8 short months we had sweet Nate in our lives. If I knew I'd only have him for such a short time, sure I would've held and kissed and cuddled him even more. Many of you know that we practice a parent lead schedule in our family. Sleep train from a fairly early age and don't co-sleep. I bring this up because sometimes there is crying involved. Not neglectful, emotionless (on the parent's part) hours of crying. More like intentional minutes here and there. Needless to say the quote stated above does bring Nate's sweet face to mind and a pain of guilt. But when I really sit down and think about why we choose to parent the way we do, and if there are things we should change ( there are always things that we adjust
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Here comes baby number THREE!!

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*This is a little late, seeing that baby was born in August and I'm posting in December... but I wanted to go in chronological order with my thoughts... Ella had me convinced. Since the moment that we told Ella that she was going to be a big sister again she was confidant that it would be a girl. Sara. end of story. We like to wait until baby arrives to find out the gender. The first two times it was so much fun. We told Ella that we didn't know. It COULD be a brother, but we also didn't push the subject one way or another. She talked about 'Sara' so much that near the end I would catch myself referring to baby as, her, or even 'Sara'. People would ask what I thought, or which gender I would prefer. I had a girl, have had a boy.... I had feelings about either, but mostly said, 'I'm so glad I don't get to pick.' You see, having a girl seemed a lot easier. Ella really wanted a sister. They would have so much fun together. I felt like it w
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